Shellye's Blog

Silenced By Fear

I miss blogging, it’s been a while since my last post. I’m never at a lack for words and something to say but once again fear took my voice and silenced me. Fear that the things I experience and how they affect me won’t be of interest to others and so why would they want to read what I write. Fear that I will not be able to communicate correctly my thoughts and feelings and therefore it will come across wrong to others. Fear that it really doesn’t matter or that these are things we just tend to not talk about. These are the same fears that kept me from starting a blog and yet once I did I got nothing but positive responses. Oh the mind game that fear can play.

Last spring I worked with my primary doctor to start weaning off the medicine I had been taking since Brook passed away. I was handling everything well and feeling great. In May I told my primary I wanted to start working on taking off the weight I had put on after Brook’s death. This became my new goal. However, by the end of May I had little progress because the Zoloft was working against the weight loss medicine. I decided along with my doctor to completely wean off the Zoloft and see what would happen. I couldn’t have been happier, I had been waiting for this day to come, I felt like I was ready and could handle life as I use to. I just had no idea what life was about to send my way!

The first week or so of June we found out that Kami got married. I think I talked about it in my last post. Needless to say and she knows this was quite a shock for us. I’m not writing anything in this blog that she doesn’t know. We love her husband Eric and he makes Kami so very happy. He has provided her the land and animals that she has dreamed of. Kami is loving the farm life. Knowing all this and seeing how happy both of them are didn’t make it easier to process, it helped but it wasn’t a magic wand that could be waved and I instantly be okay with all this. I needed time to think and process. I needed God to help me understand, help me ask Kami all of my questions, help me talk to her about my feelings and help me to hear her and her heart.

I love this quote! Kami and Eric’s marriage has made me a better person. It taught me that when God answers prayers it may not always be as we had pictured it. While I do believe that some things are fate, I also believe the choices we make do belong to us. I am responsible for what I say and do. I am responsible for the choices I make and the outcome from those choices.

Also this summer the health of my dad continued to deteriorate. I won’t elaborate at this time other than to say I am so thankful that as a teacher I had the time this past summer to help my family. It pales in comparison to all that they have done for me.

By the end of summer I was weepy and emotional. I was good at coming up with explanations for why and ignored my gut feeling to go see my primary. After several weeks I couldn’t ignore it anymore. School would be starting soon and I needed to be ready mentally and emotionally because the first several weeks back to school are draining physically. I needed to be happy and feel good just for me. I knew I needed to go back on the Zoloft but I didn’t want to. I would look at Kevan and think well he is doing fine and so I should be doing fine. I knew that if I went back on the Zoloft that I would need to stop the weight loss medicine because what’s the point if the Zoloft hinders the weight loss medicine. Oh I had plenty more excuses and my mind battled but I was victorious and made the appointment.

I had to let go of all the excuses that I had been telling myself. I made the appointment with my primary. The next 48 hours as I waited to go see the doctor my left eye began to swell. It was not pretty! I scared a child on the elevator and another one at the office. When my doctor walked in and said so what’s going on I lost it. With out missing a beat he said we are putting you back on Zoloft. I told him yes that was why I came to see him and my eye was an added bonus. I told him all my excuses that I had told myself and how I thought I should be at the point where I can handle everything like I use to. I love him for what he said next and it took me by surprise. He very calmly and directly looked at me and said “you aren’t that person. You will never be that person again. You experienced something so traumatic that you aren’t ever going to be the person you were before Brook died.” All I could think was WOW, he is right. I’m me but I am a different me. That was an old life and I have a new “normal” life to learn to live.

So I’m back on the Zoloft and enjoying the emotionally stable me. I have come to terms that this may be what I need indefinitely and there is nothing wrong with that. It is part of my story and I have said for the almost past four years that if God can use it to speak to others than let me share. I’m going to end with a few quotes I found and God keeps bringing to me. Yes, I am bringing the whole damn fire!!

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